Lately, it’s just been a feeling of being stung and then feeling completely empty. I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t know how to feel anymore because I barely feel anything.
The title of this post takes inspiration from the song embedded here, which I’ve featured in a previous post. Sure, the lyrics go ‘I’ve been stung, stung; your ways are poison, they fill my lungs’.
Those aren’t the lyrics that got me.
It was this one: ‘why you do these things, got me fucked to fall alone’.
I guess that’s a theme now.
Because I’m so empty, and that’s the overriding feeling that comes to mind – I’m stung by everyone and I hate it. It’s not like I want to feel this way, mind you. I’m not even wallowing in it.
I’ll think I’m okay for all of two seconds and suddenly, it hits me like a train. I’m empty again. My smiles are hollow and the mask slides on so effortlessly. Although given that I don’t have much human interaction these days, I don’t slide the mask on as much.
My friends have commented on the hollow look in my eyes though. When I see them, nothing reaches my eyes. I don’t know what to do, how to fix this.
I just want to feel something positive. I just want something that brings me a high, something that numbs the pain and makes it just… stop. I don’t know how to do this anymore.
Sometimes, I resent the ex who told me to turn my brain back on. Ignorance was bliss, and to quote a book I was reading recently – there are many things that I wish I could unknow.
Being a (relatively) self-aware borderline sucks. You know that things are going to hell in a hand basket and yet, you want to act rationally. But you can’t. Your stupid, fucked up brain chemistry has you acting insane and everyone thinks you’re crazy instead of just… reacting like you’ve been stung by a bee. It’s an allergic reaction and it’s severe. There’s no emotional epipen though.
I hate everything.