journal entry #54

mental health personal writing

Call me a bleeding heart, but I can’t stand it when the people important to me are upset. I treat this site like a blog, which means I treat it like a journal. #54 would be the fifty-fourth entry in my current journal, but I’ll write something here instead.

I took a friend out shopping today, and mainly because she got out of a situationship. I say that because it’s kind of a breakup but it’s not a relationship per se. Whatever it is, she deserves to be loved the way she wants to – and this person wasn’t it. It isn’t my place to comment on their relationship, so I won’t; but if she’s better then I’m happy.

Another week, another psychiatrist visit – and this one involved tweaking my medication cocktail. I’ve written before how an ex-colleague preferred me without medication but fuck him, I need this to function like a normal human being and be well, functional. Lowered the anti-depressants, upped the anti-psychotics because I was going into a state of mania and didn’t realise it. 

Today I was just melancholy. I started my day with an anxiety attack and some insecurity, ended the day melancholy. Not great.

I’m hoping that this isn’t a permanent thing, but I’ve got another appointment next week. Hopefully, I’ll be okay and stabilise out. I can’t take the severe, the extreme swings and they don’t just take a toll on my mental health, but my physical health too. I’ve maintained at a solid 48.4kg for a while now and that’s… good. Better than I ever used to be (42 – 45kg, underweight) and now with 10% body fat, I’m okay. I think I’m okay. 

I still don’t feel very attractive and that’s an insecurity I don’t know how to get over. Will things get better? Stay tuned.

Til next time 
x Hannah

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