Today I’d like to talk about relationships.
My relationship with my mother was rocky, and I had no relationship with her for almost 4 years. It’s taken another 4 to rebuild, to get past all my personal issues and now, I have yet another thing to share with her: motherhood. Having Kyle brought us together in a way that has been amazing and it’s been to my personal chagrin that I’ve been absent lately since I’ve been in recovery from my ER stint.
I write a lot about the negative parts of my life, and it’s unfair to her (who reads this site) to be painted in a negative light. My mother, as a single mother, has raised me almost singlehandedly. She has made sacrifices I don’t know if i could have made. Without her, I would not have many of the skills I have today. I appreciate that, and I’m grateful for that.
She (and my sister) have been the backbone of what we call the pit crew and is essentially the support system taking care of my son. My mental health issues have been a hurdle that I’m struggling to overcome, but that’s another thing altogether. I could not have done this, not have had my beautiful baby boy without their support.
On the other hand, there’s my relationship with Lucas.
Milestones have been hit, but not according to a traditional timeline. He’s my FP, his opinions are louder than most to me and matter more than most others to me. It’s heavy burden to carry and I have more baggage than the carry-on weight limit. Between being a single mother, and having a serious mental illness – it’s a lot for anyone part of my support system.
I really do care about him, I love him even, but there are days where I feel terrible and I feel like I don’t deserve how nice he is to me. I don’t feel like I’m worth it.
Here’s another piece.
I don’t want to hurt you, but here it is.
it’s like a flipped switch, and there’s the split
I know you’re human and so am I
but there’s a lot more in my head, and I’ll tell you why:
I love you, but leave me alone.
I hate you, but don’t leave me.
I need you, I hate this
I want you, I don’t deserve you
a moment’s hesitation can bring my world crashing down on me
a moment of silence leaves me anxious and worried
do you think I’m worth it?
do you think I’m worth the pain?
I don’t know anymore.