Self-care and self-love is hard this week.
Getting terminated while on MC for a suicide attempt sucks. It’s draining my self-esteem faster than I can replenish it. The one thing I understand about depression is that it’s not something that can be fixed by a new lipstick – it’s something that comes from inside. My current anxiety about money leaves me feeling like I’m at the bottom of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. A new lipstick is like a band-aid – I’ll temporarily feel better about myself, but I won’t necessarily fix the problem. And everything is screaming at me like a salted open wound. I can’t focus on anything but survival.
Today I did some productive things: put together a care package for an aunt in Dublin who shares my love for journalling, mailed it off (thank god for Pos Malaysia’s Flexipack and the kind ladies at the Jaya One post office) and even made an attempt at cleaning my shared room.
I say shared because I haven’t gone home yet. I’m afraid. I’m scared. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve never run away for this long before, but I can’t face my problems. Maybe my ex-colleague was right and I’m a coward.
There’s my soft sell, and here’s the hard pitch: I have RM60 in my account. I’m basically living off the dredges of whatever I have let, waiting on the pro-rated remnants of my salary and no confirmed job. I am in a hard time.
I don’t know how I’m going to be able to pay my bills, let alone get USER MANUAL and IT’S OK out so that I can actually make my personal projects work. I need a damn win. I feel like I’m not winning. I’m so sad, so upset, so everything that it’s getting really overwhelming.
It’s one of the reason I’ve started the help desk. Sure, I’ve gotten donations and I’m grateful for each and every one. I’m terrified of the next month. I’m trying my best to survive, but survival is hard when you’ve just learned what it’s like to live. One step forward, two steps back.
I don’t want to lose my son, I don’t want to lose my sanity.
What happened this week was a low blow, a sucker punch. I’m not too happy but that’s how things go. I know I tried to kill myself last week, but now – I have to go on. I have to figure out how to go on. They’re not taking me down without a fight, and with that – I hope I’ll just get better from here.