First of all, regrettably I’m informing everyone that I’m no longer employed with The Level MY, as of last night, while on a mental health hiatus/MC from the ER doctor on call. However, that being said – I’m open to collaborations, projects and other freelance work as I continue my search for a new job.
NOW: main post.
Since my stint in the UM Emergency & Trauma centre last Thursday, it would seem that I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I literally could not remember what I liked doing, what I enjoyed and the like without being reminded that this was part of my job. That being said, the week’s MC was supposed to be a time of self-care and self-reflection, to allow me to reconnect with myself and give my brain some time to recharge. Upon finding out about my termination, I suppose the silver lining is that I get more time to recover and hopefully, get myself back to neutral.
Prior to the ER, I was steadily declining and moving towards negative numbers. When your emotional and mental bank balance is at a deficit, you find yourself being sapped by the things that contribute to it. Once I got to the point where I was at a negative, it resulted in some serious suicidal ideation.
Some would argue that talking about this so openly would be a black mark against me and my reputation, but the stigma surrounding mental health is one that needs to be dispelled. I had gotten into a car accident, I hadn’t spoken to my family since the Sunday before that, and everything had built up and I was ready. I was ready to end it all, just find somewhere to hang myself and hopefully I’d just break my neck instead of suffocating to death.
After Thursday, it’s been a lot of self-care. I’ve taken photos of myself in an attempt to improve my self-esteem. I wear my boyfriend’s clothes like a perpetual security blanket. I’ve revamped my makeup and wardrobe – I’m so tired though.
It’s hard to get your self-esteem up when you feel like everything is going downhill.
No stable job, but there are some freelance jobs coming in. I’m worried about money, about maintaining a household, about taking care of my son. I’ve gone to extreme measures and created a Patreon page, a Ko-fi page and opened up my Paypal. You can find everything over at The Help Desk.
I want to feel better. I want to feel like I’m doing something. I’ve worked on a short mini zine to accompany USER MANUAL, but it’s stagnating. All I’m doing is sitting down and playing lots of Witcher 3 and being depressed until I try to fall asleep around 5am.
Recently, I’ve been staying with Lucas (he’s become minder/manager in addition to boyfriend) because being alone is a bad idea. I’m sad. All the time. He has to deal with me crying in the shower, crying in bed and angrily mumbling at the screen when I play games. My self-esteem is at zero.
I have a job interview tomorrow. I have to update my CV. I keep looking at my bullet journal with all my unfinished tasks, and it gives me anxiety. The idea of being around my family and having to explain all of this gives me anxiety. I don’t panic as much, but recently – I’ve been subdued and I just disassociate. I’m afraid I’ll do what my friend did and step off a sidewalk into traffic.
In short, I’m tired and I’m lost. I went on a mental health hiatus in an attempt to get better, but where am I supposed to go and what am I supposed to do from here?
What do I do now?
My next psychiatrist appointment is on the 7th, so hopefully that gives me something better to work with. I know I have the tools, but I don’t know how to use them. I’m grateful for my friends and loved ones but dear God, it feels like I’ve got Atlas’ weight on my shoulders. I can’t communicate this to my family. I don’t know how. I’m afraid.
I’m so afraid.