you, me and my medication

Today, I’ve written a quick fact sheet on the whole Logan Paul controversy. Aokigahara is commonly referred to as the suicide forest, so this topic hit a little too close to home. It also reminded me how unsympathetic Malaysians can be towards suicide or mental health issues. Click the pic below to check out the article.

That being said, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. It got pushed back by an hour and a half since he had two new cases come in, but all in all it was productive. I haven’t seen him since October.

Talking about everything, it’s a good thing I tend to make lists for everything. That sort of organisation is apparently called mindfulness? I’m aware of the things that happen and my thought processes, so it’s easier to track patterns. I also have an app to track most things, so it helps. That being said, I was able to talk through most – if not all – of my most pressing issues. Having a third party to listen is deeply reassuring.

I get anxious a lot. Chained anxiety attacks, cycling between being depressed and anxious – the last few months haven’t been too fun. Add in a lot of external factors that I can’t control, and you’ve got an unhappy Hannah. That’s why I’ve made the decision to change my med cocktail. Back on the benzos and a different SSRI. I just want to feel like I’m not drowning in my emotions. The dissociative episodes and intrusive thoughts were also really disconcerting.

While anger is my first response to most things, it’s also an emotion that keeps me grounded. Simmering rage or just hot, clean anger keep my headspace in one place. Everything feels real. Everything feels less real when I’m scared, when I’m terrified. Lately it’s been that borderline mix of fear of abandonment and this fear of comparison. I’m so scared of the two. It’s not like it’s super likely, and I know it’s irrational but I don’t know what to do anymore.

The new combination of meds has left me feeling calm. I’ll see how long it lasts.

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