hannah and the gray zone

My mood feels like the weather today: gloomy. It’s weird, some of the best memories I have involve storms but being an emotional hurricane isn’t exactly ideal. Everything feels like there’s a gray filter over it.

Needless to say, November isn’t my happy month.

It’s just a lot of me feeling very heartbroken. I debated deleting all my social media, but I know I need it for work. I love social media at the end of the day, it’s been a core aspect of my life that’s shaped me as a person. It’s just that part of me wants to disappear.

I’ve accepted that this is part of my mental health issues: as some of you might know, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year. I have difficulty managing my emotions (in a way that doesn’t involve reckless, impulsive behavior), and most of my interpersonal relationships are highly unstable. While I’m seeking treatment, there’s only so much that it can do. It’s about management, not fixing it completely.

It also makes me realize that I need some element of security, considering that I’m constantly in fear of abandonment. I don’t like people who are ambivalent – I know it’s irrational to think that people will like you all the time, or that you can control that – but I like knowing where I stand. Putting me in any sort of gray zone tends to incite a certain degree of paranoia.

That’s what makes relationships difficult in the millennial era: between ghosting, cushioning and the like – this leads to a lot of anxiety for me. I’m already afraid I’ll be replaced, but the blurred lines make it even worse. It’s like the one jab I got: “well, you wanted unconditional love from a boy – so you gave birth to one.” Even that’s not confirmed.

At the end of the day, it feels a lot like people want me around because they need me for something. Once they’re done? Well, you can imagine.

I guess I’m just sad today.

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